Nasty Doubts, Awesome Hubby

“Fear is the mind-killer.”
I can’t remember if this quote is from Dune or Ender’s Game. I know it’s true. But I can’t seem to stop myself from fearing, from worrying, from endlessly second-guessing everything. I create designs, make plans, buy materials… and then they sit there, untouched, because I’m so afraid of screwing up, of wasting, of even trying until I think I have everything else lined up in my “office,” life, whatever. Or because I don’t have everything I actually need because I didn’t fully realize how much it would cost, or the timing was wrong or just because it gives me an excuse to hide my fears behind. What is wrong with me?

And then today I went to pieces because they have discontinued not only my shade of hair-dye, but the entire line it’s in, the only one I’ve found like it, with separate highlight kit in the box. But took me years of trial and error to settle on it, and I’ve used the same hair-dye for the past 8 years. It was a little more expensive, but completely worth it. I sometimes went a bit longer between sessions with it when times were tight, but I (and then we) always budgeted for it. It always got me compliments, and people were always surprised to learn that it wasn’t my “natural hair-color”.  I was proud to be able to pass as a natural red-head. I have always said that it was “heart color, not my root color.” It was always there when I needed to feel beautiful. I didn’t fully realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in that specific box of hair-dye, with its familiarity.

I normally handle change pretty well, by all accounts. But with everything else in flux right now, this was my tipping point. Granted, my birthday was yesterday – a strange and wacky-but-wonderful one - so that probably didn’t help either. I HATE crying. But I did – and not the silent tears I can usually get by with to mask my upset. No, this was great gasping sobs. Hubby had to comfort me. And then he took me out, all over town (again) to find a new hair-dye to try. And for Dollar Menu ™ hot fudge sundaes, even though we’ve been trying to be better about our diet for my joint problems (and our waist-lines). I don’t know what I’d do without him, and I never want to find out. He’s the best.