“Fear is the mind-killer.”
I can’t remember if this quote is from Dune or Ender’s Game. I know it’s true. But I can’t seem to stop myself from fearing, from worrying, from endlessly second-guessing everything. I create designs, make plans, buy materials… and then they sit there, untouched, because I’m so afraid of screwing up, of wasting, of even trying until I think I have everything else lined up in my “office,” life, whatever. Or because I don’t have everything I actually need because I didn’t fully realize how much it would cost, or the timing was wrong or just because it gives me an excuse to hide my fears behind. What is wrong with me?
And then today I went to pieces because they have discontinued not only my shade of hair-dye, but the entire line it’s in, the only one I’ve found like it, with separate highlight kit in the box. But took me years of trial and error to settle on it, and I’ve used the same hair-dye for the past 8 years. It was a little more expensive, but completely worth it. I sometimes went a bit longer between sessions with it when times were tight, but I (and then we) always budgeted for it. It always got me compliments, and people were always surprised to learn that it wasn’t my “natural hair-color”. I was proud to be able to pass as a natural red-head. I have always said that it was “heart color, not my root color.” It was always there when I needed to feel beautiful. I didn’t fully realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in that specific box of hair-dye, with its familiarity.
I normally handle change pretty well, by all accounts. But with everything else in flux right now, this was my tipping point. Granted, my birthday was yesterday – a strange and wacky-but-wonderful one - so that probably didn’t help either. I HATE crying. But I did – and not the silent tears I can usually get by with to mask my upset. No, this was great gasping sobs. Hubby had to comfort me. And then he took me out, all over town (again) to find a new hair-dye to try. And for Dollar Menu ™ hot fudge sundaes, even though we’ve been trying to be better about our diet for my joint problems (and our waist-lines). I don’t know what I’d do without him, and I never want to find out. He’s the best.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Finally!
"Baby steps. Baby steps to the door. Baby steps down the hallway. Baby steps to the elevator. Baby steps getting on the elevator. [Sound of screaming as the elevator descends]" - from the movie "What About Bob?"
After all this time, and hemming and hawing, I'm finally starting my blog! I still don't know what all of the settings available even mean, but at least I'm putting something out there, "really and truly." I get too hung up on the details, though sometimes that's half the fun. I'm terrified of what the response will or won't be. But I'm pushing and stretching myself. Maybe it will help me grow. As I'm about to turn 31, I'm pushing myself out of my nest of hiding and worrying and recriminations. I don't expect to fly, I just hope not to fall so often, hard or far that I can't pick myself up again for another try.
So, without further ado, a bit about me:
I love to do bead-work, and have played at design of every flavor off and on for years. I devour crafting and DIY magazines, books, websites, blogs. Truth be told, I am a complete bibliophile - though my appetites are by no means limited to books. It's more of a love affair with stories, told through any medium. I follow so many web-comics that it boggles my husband's mind. I like the idea of sewing (still working on the nuts and bolts of the process).
My favorite color, as my blog title suggests, is Teal. I mentioned it a few times too often while working on a project long ago, and it became my nickname. At a rough point in my life, someone told me, "It takes a lot of canary yellow to make teal," and the larger implications of that statement trined with something in me. Hence, the handle of Teal Canary. I sometimes use this name in my artwork, so it seemed appropriate here as well.
As it is quite late here (or very, Very early, depending on one's perspective), I will expound more in my next post.
"Sweet dreams 'til sunbeams find you/ Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you/ And in your dreams, whatever they be/ Dream a little dream of me."
After all this time, and hemming and hawing, I'm finally starting my blog! I still don't know what all of the settings available even mean, but at least I'm putting something out there, "really and truly." I get too hung up on the details, though sometimes that's half the fun. I'm terrified of what the response will or won't be. But I'm pushing and stretching myself. Maybe it will help me grow. As I'm about to turn 31, I'm pushing myself out of my nest of hiding and worrying and recriminations. I don't expect to fly, I just hope not to fall so often, hard or far that I can't pick myself up again for another try.
So, without further ado, a bit about me:
I love to do bead-work, and have played at design of every flavor off and on for years. I devour crafting and DIY magazines, books, websites, blogs. Truth be told, I am a complete bibliophile - though my appetites are by no means limited to books. It's more of a love affair with stories, told through any medium. I follow so many web-comics that it boggles my husband's mind. I like the idea of sewing (still working on the nuts and bolts of the process).
My favorite color, as my blog title suggests, is Teal. I mentioned it a few times too often while working on a project long ago, and it became my nickname. At a rough point in my life, someone told me, "It takes a lot of canary yellow to make teal," and the larger implications of that statement trined with something in me. Hence, the handle of Teal Canary. I sometimes use this name in my artwork, so it seemed appropriate here as well.
As it is quite late here (or very, Very early, depending on one's perspective), I will expound more in my next post.
"Sweet dreams 'til sunbeams find you/ Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you/ And in your dreams, whatever they be/ Dream a little dream of me."
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